“And you know, when you are in this predicament – just the wrong word / conversation ( cheapness, gossip, the mediocre, the ordinary, rubbish, boyfriend blah blahs, wot-less-ness, crap etc etc) can send you over the edge. And so I keep quiet, -picking and choosing whom, I let in -and whom, I leave out.”
“Her drama is four years too late (I now love myself -and no longer feel the need to build friendships or relationships on -a foundation of damage or drama). Plus, my eyes were blown wide open -the day I gave birth to my beautiful son (the day, I entered into 'the' truth) -and started a journey of healing, self-love and deliverance -Amen.”
I am in a place of, 'No Drama'. I simply cannot, 'do it' -any more. And even though, -I sometimes find myself 'doing it' -unwillingly, (whilst in the eye of the storm, per say, -because, -as Steven Spielberg said, 'Trials and Tribulations -are a given) -I can no longer do 'other people's -drama', 'fears' or, other people's sh-i-t-t-t. I am in a place where, I can no longer tolerate, -the mediocre, the ordinary or the self pity party (I used to be one, way, way back).
I am in a weird place -folks. A place where I wait, (only) for, 'GOD' (because, -there are times when only God can help). And I feel like, - I might be running out of Patience -but I know (in my higher self) -that God is doing a, 'WORK' and, that, -his time is the best time -Amen. Tapping into the higher me, -has left me quiet, (and some might say, - silent, and in a weird, weird place). I am not a quiet person (by nature) -and over night I have found myself -surprisingly, quiet (it must be the reason -I can't stop blogging). I have found, to my surprise, -that quietness, -is the only solution to my frustrations, and to my wants. And to function like a human being (e.g., love and look after my son, stay sane -whilst I wait on the Lord) – I have to keep still -and very quiet. Stillness and quietness -has enabled me to keep loving, and stay focused in a crazy and sometimes -desperate times. So, I type away (having a great time -folks) -keeping, the volcano inside of me, from erupting -Amen. Because, -like you, -I want to win. I want, what I want, and I want it like, -three years ago (but I know -my breakthrough is just around the corner -please God).
Sometimes, I feel like I am going to burst out of my skin; -like I am busting loose, -and cannot contain myself -and then I remember, 'God's goodness, -and his time, being -the BEST Time' -but it is not easy. I can no longer tolerate so many things -and stay away from them -like the plague. Past friend's -boyfriend Blah blahs -(who cares), people who have lost their drive -(and ambitions) -and are now too afraid to pursue their dreams (this pisses me off -big stylee. I guess I'm jealous, -because, they can walk away from their dreams -and I can't). I now steer clear of the unambitious and uncreative people (who has the time?) -and the worst, -past friends who want to party -like it's 1999, and go clubbing (what? - I am racing towards my -mid thirties and I need to establish things) -please...
I had a strange encounter, -a couple of days ago -via facebook. Someone I knew from school, -and bumped into -briefly last year (we exchanged numbers -and then my telephone number magically changed) -asked me to get in touch with her, -as she was going through a divorce, and will shortly be joining me (in single parenthood -can you believe this?). Also, she wants to talk to me about my business (I used to have a model agency -don't ask, or, -I will bust loose) -I am a lady, so I didn't reply (I believe that some things -are better left, unsaid).
Her drama is four years too late (I now love myself -and no longer feel the need to build friendships or relationships on -a foundation of damage or drama). Plus, my eyes were blown wide open -the day I gave birth to my beautiful son (the day, I entered into 'the' truth) -and started a journey of healing, self-love and deliverance -Amen. I also learnt some painful but valuable lessons. The first lesson ( and the most painful) -taught me responsibly, -that nobody (not God, -not my parents, not even my beautiful son) -owed me, anything (I thank God daily for his love, because even though -he owes me nothing -he loves me -Amen). The second lesson was, acceptance -folks (I have accepted -the good, the bad and the ugly – and it has set me free -and I am no longer a slave to certain feelings or fears -Amen). The third lesson learnt, (people of the sun), -is about LOVE. Just because, -YOU LOVE OTHERS -doesn't mean, others love you or have to love you. And just because you were there for them (others) -during and after their pregnancies etc, -it does not mean, -they will or have to be -there for you -during yours.
But that was then -Amen, and Daddy God has done -and continues to heal me and I am no longer angry. I am just, 'VERY PASSIONATE'. In 2009 folks, you find me -with very little drama (well, -very little drama of my own) and poised for my breakthrough -Amen. And because the 'patience thing' -is errrm, - a bit errm, 'difficult for me, (I am a work in progress -folks) -I am taking it very easy. My gorgeous son is -about the only person I can take any drama from, -right now (and bless him, he is such a tease – and I sooo -sort of need a cigarette -but I gave up that habit last year).
Another past friend, and her sister -and her cousin (yes we were like family -at school?) wants to talk about her marriage (what?), and her four children (I love them but -what? You have never met or asked for my son -please). She wants to talk about going back to her job as a cashier (what?); talk about putting on weight (well, haven't we all, sweetheart?) and finally, -arrange for all of us to meet up (are you for real, -I no longer know you, -and the last time I saw you -the 'Gerry Curl' was in fashion -please). Guess what folks? I didn't reply -(because I am a lady blah, blah -and I will not be drawn into her drama). She, on the other hand, -continues to send me -gifts via facebook (I have set up another account, -for people I want to talk to).
I am sure that many of you -will think me harsh, -but until you get to a place -where you only want -what you want (and can do nothing else) -you wouldn't be able to relate. I remember a friend (a real one) -about ten years ago (a few years after the birth of her gorgeous son) -telling me, -she, no longer wanted to digest, talk about, be about, or think about, -her, 'FEELINGS' -I can now relate. Because there comes a time, when you leave the Dr Phil's of this world -behind (not because they are no good -but because you have out grown that particular stage -and are no longer -about, TALKING ABOUT IT -but are about 'DOING IT -because as DIDDY said, 'YOU HAVE TO BE IN IT, TO WIN IT' -and I am very much -in it, -and poised for the NEXT STAGE. And only God, can help me -now. Because no one can help you, -when the place you find yourself -is no longer enough.
No one can help you -when you are after finances (to start a business, because people usually disappear when it comes to money -don't they), or your HOME is no longer [big] enough, -or your business can no longer contain you, or you have out grow -your location (because the Ghetto is cute and edgy -but after you have a baby -it is not enough -or safe enough etc), -or you are fed-up, with being broke, busted and frustrated (sweetheart only God can help in these situations). And you know, when you are in this predicament – just the wrong word / conversation ( cheapness, gossip, the mediocre, the ordinary, rubbish, boyfriend blah blahs, wot-less-ness, crap etc etc) -can send you over the edge. And so I keep quiet, -picking and choosing whom, I let in -and whom, I leave out. Choosing light (very, very light) conversations over -deep, deep, deep and even deeper S-h-i-t-t-t......Choosing to do more research and gain more knowledge about – my chosen dream venture; -poised as always, for that day, -that moment, -that second (because I know it's around the corner -Amen) -for my breakthrough. And so I persist, tenaciously; -allowing, -only for my son's (and mine own) laughter, the games we play together, -our precious moments together, my work, my blogs, a few selected friends and some family.
Thankfully, -there is goodness and beauty -in quietness. I have found to my surprise -that I have become THANKFUL. The traffic of noise (apart from my son's) that reigned in my home, -the noise of unfruitful conversation(s), the undue stress of other people's drama etc, -has abated and -the stillness, the emptiness (total emptiness -when my son is at school is delicious) and the feeling of peace (sometimes) -has made me truly thankful. I now thank my creator -more, -and daily -for his goodness, -and whilst I am doing this, -I find myself (somehow) closer to where I want to be -Amen.